Life has two distinct layers: the objective reality—what’s actually happening—and the subjective reality—how you interpret, react to, and emotionally experience it. The difference between the two can feel like the difference between drowning and treading water.
Objective reality is what exists outside of your control:
- The weather.
- The traffic jam.
- Someone’s choice of words.
- A relapse trigger appearing out of nowhere.
You can’t edit, erase, or micromanage it. No amount of wishing will change what’s objectively true.
Subjective reality is what happens inside you:
- The story you tell yourself about the event.
- The meaning you assign to it.
- The emotional state you decide to nurture or interrupt.
And here’s the good news: you have enormous influence over your subjective reality—and that’s where your real power lives.
Why This Distinction Matters
When you blur the line between objective and subjective reality, you can become trapped in a mental loop—believing your emotions are facts, reacting as if your thoughts are the unshakable truth. This is where anxiety, resentment, cravings, and emotional spirals breed.
When you separate the two, you realize:
- The event is neutral. My reaction is personal.
- I can’t change what happened, but I can change what happens next.\
The Self-Coaching Shift
Self-coaching is the art of stepping in as your own guide when your mind starts running toward worst-case scenarios or self-sabotage.
How to coach yourself in the moment:
- Name the Objective Reality.
Strip it down to bare facts: “It’s raining.” “He didn’t text back.” “My urge to use is high.” - Interrupt the Spiral.
Use a mental or physical cue—stand up, shake out your hands, take a deep breath—to snap yourself out of automatic thinking. - Challenge the Thought.
Ask: Is this fact or feeling? Am I predicting, assuming, or catastrophizing? - Choose the Reality You Want to Feed.
If you can’t change the event, change the frame: “This rain gives me space to rest.” “His silence doesn’t mean rejection.” “This craving is a wave—I can ride it out.”
When Addiction Clouds the Lines
In addiction and recovery, subjective reality can become distorted by withdrawal symptoms, cravings, or shame. Your brain can convince you the discomfort is permanent, the craving is unbearable, or the relapse is inevitable.
But those thoughts are subjective—not objective.
The objective truth?
- Urges pass.
- Pain can be temporary.
- You’ve overcome before, and you can again.
By actively reframing your subjective reality, you regain control over your emotional state, which makes it easier to stay in alignment with your recovery goals.
Your Power Lies in the Middle Space
You don’t begin and end where life happens—you begin and end in how you meet life. Objective reality will throw curveballs, but your subjective reality decides whether they bruise you or teach you.
If you want to change your life, start by mastering the only part you can truly control: your inner world.
